Titles, Value and Impact
“So, do you work?”
THE question you are most likely to encounter or perhaps even be restlessly curious to pop, during your first conversation with a woman, has often made me ponder about the feelings associated with it. What appears to be a seemingly harmless question can creep up and occupy most of our mind space if we haven’t yet worked on our levels of self awareness……as a Home-maker.
It’s interesting how the “job title” for women who do not pursue a profession at a dedicated office can invoke feelings of inadequacy at different levels. I recall how the so called title for this role was initially termed as “house-wife”. And for the obvious gender-biased tonality of that title, it somewhere got ‘sugar-coated’ to form a more sophisticated sounding version called the “Home maker”! A title mostly inspired by the west, I have often wondered how identifiers itself can make such a deep impact on one’s self esteem across the world. What changed when we moved from House-Wife to Home-Makers? What essentially transformed in our roles or appearances? More importantly, are we at peace with ourselves to announce our titles to the world now?
A recent conversation with an acquaintance over the phone made me reflect on my own expectations around titles that we endow ourselves with. After the initial few minutes of exchanging notes about our family whereabouts, the chat was pregnant with expectation to pop the golden question! I, for one have been a full-time-at-home-mom ( notice how another title with respect to something beyond us has made its way in here!) for the past 9 years (phew! got that off my chest!). Yet, when I was asked “the” question, I found myself instantly sharing a brief from my resume and a mini teaser into my ever-so-demanding family needs which was why I am “justifiably” playing the role of a FTAHM! On most occasions after my well drafted , oft-shared response to the question, my conscience does a quick check on my guilt levels and kicks in thoughts of insecurity and quite literally admonishes me for not standing up for myself. But the part I could not neglect was the uncomfortable response from the other end as well, when it was her turn to respond to the same question. I heard her say something about her “not working” and then be quick to add a side note that she was “freelancing” and then again the “justifiable reasons” came along to comfort herself that she was doing the right thing!
This has been a common part of my interactions over the past decade with other full-time-stay-at-home women. The queasiness to outrightly say that we are stay-at-home, that we do mundane tasks that we think can be replaced by machines or staff or to just be embarrassed to not be pursuing what the world expects from us when we graduated out of college are all far too relatable. All these undercurrents are commonplace when two FTSAH women ‘catch up’. Almost all jobs seem to have a name that sounds so heroic about the work they do. Be it distinct titles like ‘manager’, ‘analyst’, ‘artist’, or ‘mechanic’. Then again there are umbrella titles that can help add glory to one’s imagination like ‘IT professionals’, ‘entrepreneurs’, ‘actors’ or simply ‘house keeping staff’. None of these titles seem to have the need to define the work they do by adding a dependent crutch to their personal life roles like say “office-going-full-time-analyst-husband” or a “full-time-CEO-father”!! Then are we being stuck on relegating titles to what (mostly) women who choose to stay at home do?
Reflecting on the mixed feelings that I have felt on hearing the question, I can understand that they stem from strong judgments that I personally have about the impact that one can have in each of these roles. Why does someone being a NASA scientist ‘sound’ so much more cooler than say a warehouse manager? Are there presumed pyramids of intellectual ability that we as a society make that projects some roles more worthier than others? What can be done to improve our self image for the work we do and the value we add as stay at home women?
I would like to share a few of my thoughts on this.
- Firstly, can we look at Reframing the question to our women friends who work for their homes?
Replace the casual “ DO you work?” with say “ Apart from working full time as a mother, do you also have to work for someone else?” OR “ Apart from working full time for your home, do you find time to work elsewhere?”
Recognise, how our opening questions to professionals from other backgrounds would sound like. Make an effort to enquire and learn best practices that home makers are adopting at their ends just as you would eagerly seek to know how a CEO was making progress in his company.
This restructuring of the question, can bring about a shift in the mindset of both the one who asks the question as well as the one who responds to it. You are no longer asking a question with an intent to mark your territory and thereby showing respect to the other person. As a respondent, the moment you hear a question framed like that, you are in a better position to acknowledge your own contributions and more likely to communicate from a space of comfort and security.
2. Address your true intentions
Choose to ask only if you are clear about your intent behind the question. After all how critical is it to know the other’s work life if it is but a casual talk around the park? Find more mindful and meaningful ways to connect if you truly wish to nurture the relationship ahead. If you connect more frequently, you are more likely to know about each other’s work life as an outcome of it.
3. Reframing your Responses with self-love
It maybe tempting to validate the reasons behind your decision to stay at home when you are asked the question. Be aware of your inner thinking and personal judgments that may probe you to respond in a manner that makes you look good. You may pass off with a momentary burst of ego, but it could leave you with a feeling of restlessness later on. A healthy way to approach this would be to perhaps identify what you would like to do ahead and put that across, instead of sharing an account of your achievements so far. Having the ability to speak about your work is a form of self love and we need to be conscious of it.
I have always believed in the lines of Richard Bach… “We teach best what we need to learn the most.” This post is an outcome of my own inner desire to see myself live with greater sense of self love and pride at work.
A transformative outlook towards their work , for the stay at home women can be achieved if they can delve on the following two fundamental aspects.
a) Recognise the decision to be a stay at home woman : Identify if this choice was a voluntary one , an eventuality or something that you did not have control of. As is the case with most satisfied professionals in their chosen field of work, if your decision was voluntary, then you perhaps already have a good sense of self actualisation in what you do. There is immense strength when families work as a unit, with each person appreciating the role and contribution of the other. Sometimes even in the case of women for whom the decision to be stay at home was not initially voluntary, but has become a way of life that they adapted to, maybe able to find ways to fulfil and grow in their roles. However, if you find that this has been forced upon you, I would urge you to find the courage to express the same and find what gives you the sense of purpose. It may not be easy, but you must persist with it if respect and satisfaction is what you are looking for as an outcome for your work.
b) Take pride and be vocal about it : Just as you would expect a company executive to share his vision and the steps he plans to take in order to help his organisation reach greater heights, when asked, take pride and share your inputs and the effort you take towards family building. Have the belief that your goals and mission are as critical as any others and you are accountable for them.
This Women’s day, 8th March 2021, I choose to liberate myself from typecasting my work. I wish to realise the true power of womanhood, which is deeply involved in building individuals, families and thereby the nation. Let titles not waver our focus from the greater goals that we set out to achieve. May each one of us be proud of the work we do and the impact we create.
Meanwhile, what ideas do you have for a job title that would better describe the “working-for-home” women of today?
